pWdumaNjA-6CEEBhRoD5euxNETs When All This Actual Life Played Out: October 2014

31 October 2014

Runaway train


Fullerton, California
18 October 2014

It wasn't a runaway train--that would be my life--but we were standing too damn close to it.

The daughter had to film an introductory video for one of her college applications and we spent that day filming trains, riding trains, and watching trains. Her video starts with a freight engine bearing down on the viewer.

Which is exactly what this month was like.

Tech stuff: Taken with my my iPhone4.

10 October 2014

The lineup


Santa Ana, California
7 October 2014 or thereabouts

Time has assumed a certain fluidity. It's tough to track, squirms away from my grasp like a fish in a river.

A contractor was here to give me an estimate this week.

"We'll honor that price through the end of the month," he told me, a look of satisfaction on his face.

I squinted at him for a moment, trying to remember what month he might be speaking of.

The spouse was out of town most of the week, so I had the morning and evening commute, never good. Seconds ticked off until the next task to be accomplished, seconds that became minutes, minutes turned to hours and another day.

Death like birth has a time of its own. We wait.

He sleeps alot, eats little. I saw him turning inward weeks ago, caught those first signs of internal retreat, knew what I was seeing.

And my inclination was still to fight. For his sake.

But increasingly, I am seeing the futility of the battle. I am coming to acceptance, trying to be the fish instead of the grasping hands, looking for ways to comfort rather than control, seeking the flow.

I am not one to give up. I solve problems. It is what people hire me to do. Fix things. And I'm so good at it.

It is when I confront the unfixable that I am no good at all.

Tech stuff: Taken with my my iPhone4.