pWdumaNjA-6CEEBhRoD5euxNETs When All This Actual Life Played Out: Ready or not

23 September 2014

Ready or not


Blanton Art Museum
Austin, Texas
20 September 2014

Consider a plane. A skeleton covered in butterflies. Flight. Change. Transition.

I dreamed of my childhood home last night, and my aunts and mother were there, like the three witches from The Scottish Play.

Double double, toil and trouble.

One of those aunts is dead, has been for many years, and it was to her that I was speaking in the dream. She was preoccupied, but there was a frantic energy to her, not unlike when she was alive.

I woke feeling deeply lonely and terribly sad.

Over the weekend, texts. Entreaties. I had to take calls and answer questions while spending time with my daughter and my dearest D. I felt so rude, but I understood this person's despair and frustration.

Talk to her...

I am carrying a secret, one I've shared with few people. It is more than a relative with terminal cancer. It is that his wife needs to be evaluated for dementia and depression. I don't want to say those words aloud and saying them here makes me feel traitorous, as though I've overstepped a boundary. It's not my job, reason says, but my heart knows that it will be my fate.

Tonight, my mind wandered down a forgotten path. Crystal and china, and choosing patterns for my wedding. "Kosta Boda," I heard her say in the accent she's never been able to shed, but her voice is caressing, the thought of such luxury making her happy.

It is in that moment that I feel the weight of loss, the stab of recognition of what none of us will ever have again.

Flight.

(A joyous state, the state of moving forward. Cowardice, the state of running from.)

Change.

(Inevitable. Inviolable. Nothing stays the same, for better or worse.)

Transition.

(A boulder weathers until it becomes the sand on the ocean floor. A tree dissolves into the hummus of the forest. Our bodies are born and age until they are carefully put away under a blanket of earth.)

The spirit goes. And we are left to wonder.

Where?

Tech stuff: Taken with my Nikon D7000.

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