pWdumaNjA-6CEEBhRoD5euxNETs When All This Actual Life Played Out: Might as well jump

22 June 2013

Might as well jump


Mile Square Regional Park
Fountain Valley, California
6 April 2013

Sometimes the thing that terrifies me most...is me.

I talk too much. Weird, I know, coming from the person who with tremendous intent and determination actually runs from conversations. No, I mean runs. Away. While people are still talking to me.

(Dude. Really, I'm sorry. The memory of that moment still torments me. It will always torment me.)

I've laughed--sort of--about it before. Sometimes I am possessed. I call it speaking ex cathedra. Because, JESUS, I will not shut up. And I sound infallible.

(Catholic joke. Never mind.)

Tonight, for example.

I was in a meeting. The person in charge started talking about a proposal. As he talked, ideas started taking shape in my mind. And the words poured forth. I sounded like I knew what I was talking about. Even I started to believe me.

I've worked in places and positions where we'd meet and perform a certain sort of brainstorming. Any idea, no matter how offbeat, could be put on the table and examined for usefulness. And to some degree, that was happening in my head tonight. Then, it was escaping via my mouth.

I started hearing a lot of "hey, that's a good idea."

Now, most people, at that point, will pat themselves on the back, and feel like they might have accomplished  something. MY immediate reaction is to say, "Wait a minute. Don't listen to me." I think fast, talk faster, but sometimes I don't think about what I'm talking about. That's what causes me to pull up short.

Later, I got home, and mulled over some of the stuff I'd suggested. A lot of it felt right. But it also feels huge. Ambitious. But not necessarily improbable or impossible. I tried to tell myself that if people didn't think big we wouldn't have great artists and musicians and scientists. So, why not?

Because...me. And my basic inability to get out of my own way.

Not to mention the really frightening possibility that I knew exactly what I was talking about and I have the resources to help make it happen.

Eek.

Tech stuff: Taken with my iPhone4. Might as well go jump...in the lake.

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